24 = 2007

One of the odd things about having a birthday so near New Year's is the tendency to get very introspective and sentimental around the holidays. I bury a calendar year and a year of my life at the same time, which makes it very easy to lapse into a re-examination of my life, dreams, and goals. 2006 and 23 were rough years for me, personally and professionally, and as a result I've decided that 2007 and 24 are going to be much better. I'm making big changes, but starting with small ones (like no more blueberry pie for breakfast and trying to go to bed before 1 AM every night). The bigger changes are the frightening ones, but I can't imagine not making them. I've made lists upon lists of reasons, pros and cons, benefits and possible downfalls, and talked to many, many people. (This is the first time I've asked for friends' and family's help dealing with decisions, and I'm shocked to discover that it makes things much easier.) Change is inevitable and I'm controlling the next big one. I'm leaving grad school. I'm not sure yet whether I'm taking time off or leaving for longer and making a more permanent break -- but I'm tired. I'm unhappy, sick, guilt-ridden, anxious, not sleeping, intensely disliking myself and my work, eating poorly, missing my family and friends, feeling disconnected and lost, and I miss reading just for the pleasure of the words; but mostly I'm just tired. This is a hard decision to make, and it will be even harder to carry out because I'm still in love with the idea of academia and scholarship and still terrified about living a life as anything other than a scholar and teacher. But I hope that by telling you, the fact that I've decided will suddenly become real and easier to accept. It's true! I am going to be happier next year -- the internet says so. Happy New Year, everyone. May all of yours be improvements over 2006, no matter how fantastic last year was. P.S. I rewrote this many times trying to make it sound jubilant and triumphant. I am jubilant and triumphant but also scared, nervous about doing the right thing, sad, and apprehensive. Apparently the apprehension wants to come out more than the relief and glee. But know that there are good doses of glee, relief, and optimism in the decision, too. Knitting content resumes with the next post.